I feel like I forgot to be myself because of him...
He was the only person who trully knew what`s in my mind,he knew what my body language meant...he knew every part of my messed up being.And he knew the single thing that could cause me to hurt.
I was trully me while he was around.I wasn`t embarrased to show that I`m just a little girl who still believed in santa claus and romance.Or did I?I don`t really know...but the truth is that while we were togeather I was the closest ever to being myself.
Now I feel like I got out of touch with everything that`s me...everything that trully represents me.I wanted out...for so many years I thought that life just wasn`t worth it...you don`t even get out of it alive eventually so why die trying?But you made me try...and I thank you for it.
You made me realise that my "I don`t fucking care about anything"attitude is not me...and I thank you for it.It`s funny though...I love you and I`m afraid of being dumped in the same time..I just wonder which of these feelings are stronger...I`d like to believe that our love is above everything ,but that`s just an idilic idea of my romantic self.Yet the idea that we could end up choosing seperate paths made me write this to you...to whoever is reading it right now.Or was it the idea that I found my soulmate?I don`t really know...but all of this was born of strong feelings,that`s for sure.My endless memories are always caused by hate...the hate for him who I once loved...by love,the love I feel for you,by being dissapointed in myself,by being dissapointed by others,by being loved,by being hated,by trying to make some sence of this whole screwed up world.The truth is,I didn`t write this for you to read.I wrote this for me to read over and over again,trying to get to know myself better.I`m an endless mystery...
And now,as I`m reading it,a week after the first part was written,my mind feels like a stranger...
The truth is I hate the idea of being alone,and this isn`t because I love anyone,this is pure selfishness,using some poor bastard to take away my misery.Misery?I`m feeling okay right now...okay not really,but who cares?I`m not dying of hunger,I have a roof over my head,a happy family and friends with painted smiles on their faces.So why should I be miserable?
The path we`re all walking is the same...yet it`s different from time-to-time,it`s a journey of self-recognition.Finding your true love and building up a perfect career is all bullshit.It takes self-knowledge to do anything,everything is impossible without it.And even if you think you know yourself...were you meant to be happy?Will you love?Will you be loved?Love doesn`t exist...the term "love" exists,but the products of the ideas we associate to it don`t.There is affection and sexual desire,and these two mixed together form a perfect combination that we call love.What the hell?I can`t believe I`m actually writing this down...